No meaning...

   The only truth that matters is the truth that can’t be measured. Intentions don’t count, what’s in your heart doesn’t count, caring doesn’t count. But a man’s life can be measured…by how many tears are shed when he dies. But you can’t measure them, because you don’t want to measure them…It doesn’t mean that it’s not real. And even if I’m wrong, I’m still miserable…Do I believe my life’s purpose was to sacrifice myself and get noting in return? No! I believe my life has no purpose…Even the few people that accept me, I dismiss. I take the one decent thing in my life and I taint it, strip it of all meaning…I’m miserable for nothing and I don’t know why I want to live…And the worst part of it is…It means nothing

Foreign...Love

I always believed the little things make our life better. When everything seems to come out of the ordinary and just makes your day. And you might even believe that most of the people don’t have this chance in their lives and that they keep crawling in the same horrific fate every day, not being able to liberate themselves from the Sisyphus’s curse . Well, what can I tell you, I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones alive because I try. I try every day to make my life better to take it out of the ordinary as much as I can so I can enjoy every single bit of it at it’s fullest. Even now, when I’m writing about my life I think about my next step, my next thought, the next event and how will that change the course of my life. This story is about taking chances, stepping up to the challenge and bonding with someone completely unknown. This is about finding friends in unexpected places and getting to know them better even if you have absolutely no guarantees that it will last.

It was a chilly morning in the big city and I, as always, was heading to school. As soon as I close the door behind me I realize that I had run out of bus tickets and that I should stop and buy some. When I got there I saw a young lady in front of me who was trying to communicate with the cashier using signs, rather than words. I suddenly realized that she was a tourist from abroad and she was trying to get to the city airport. I have to admit that, at first, I hesitated a little bit because I wasn’t completely confident in my foreign language skills, because I am a regular English speaker, but my French, to be honest, isn’t that good so I could have a conversation in it. Luckily, I soon found out that the young lady was able to speak in English, too. I offered myself to help with the translation. I got her the ticket she needed but I also realized that she had absolutely no idea what bus to take and how far was she supposed to go until she had reached her destination. At that moment I realized that this is what makes our lives better, getting out of the ordinary. So, I told her that she doesn’t need to be worried because I will go with her and make sure she got to the airport safely and in time. Soon, the right bus came in and we got in it. We found our places and started talking, and my, we talked. I found out that her name is Danielle and she came all the way from Switzerland to spend the Easter break with a classmate who originated from this country. She also told me that she is currently having her Masters Degree in Foreign Relations (that was the moment I realized where she knew all those languages from). She was a current speaker of English, French, Italian and also Arabic. I have to admit, I considered her amazing since the first words that came out of her mouth. She was pretty, well-read and she was friendly, too. And then, we started talking…About our lives, hobbies, books, sports…And the more we talked, the more I realized that I actually like her, for her long brown hair, her deep green eyes and her strawberry-scented fragrance. That was the moment when I started asking myself if this could be more that a one-day-thing, if she could remember me when she’s gone and if I could think of this as just a common friendship. We talked all the way to the airport, about all kinds of things, things that we both liked and soon, we would come to realize that we are pretty much alike. We both loved rock music, but also knew to enjoy the majesty of classical music. We were in love with the art of photography and cinematography but also, big fan of sports like tennis, basketball and football, but also snooker, cycling and ice-skating. And then, I believe it was the moment when she felt it, too. She was talking to me about all kinds of things, but I could see it in her candle-lit eyes that, by the second, she was feeling a lot more comfortable around me and that she wouldn’t want to leave, unless she really had to. Sadly, as I said earlier, she had to fly home in that same day. When we finally arrived at the airport she found out that there is a late flight, around 8:00 p.m., which wasn’t completely booked and she could get a ticket to go home. So, in that very moment, she decided that she wanted to stay just a little bit more, to just spend time with me, because now she could sense my feelings, too. And my feelings were not telling any lie, I was deeply in love with her and she felt the same way.

We decided to go back to town to go see a movie or a play, something that we could both enjoy. We first stopped by my place so I can get my car and then we went to a big movie theater and got two tickets to Butterfly Effect, and it was amazing. It was that psychedelic type drama that we loved and which leaves you jaw-dropped and makes you reanalyze your life. After that, we went to have a drink and…talk some more. This time, I chose a more intimate place, somewhere in an underground bar where there the soft rock in the background just whispers to you, instead of crushing your eardrums. She seemed to really enjoy the glowing candles the rose scent in the air and the quiet atmosphere inside the bar. This time we decided to talk a lot more about personal issues, about feelings and what is going on, psychologically and sentimentally, in our lives. I went first and told her how, lately, my love life has been a total disaster, how I was losing confidence from being rejected too many times and how I was on the point of giving up to my sentimental side so I could move on with my life, because I was only 20 and I had to continue this inner battle until I would have reached the end of my days. I also told her how, a year before, my high school left me for another man and how, after four long years of relationship, I realized that there can be only one moment that can change the fate of the relationship, and turn your life upside down. She expressed her deepest apologies for what happened and I told her she had done nothing wrong and that she shouldn’t apologize for something that she didn’t do. Then, it was her turn to tell the story of her love life. I found out that she was quite in the same spot as I was, only she was single for two years. Two years in which she tried her best to focus on school, family and friends, the things that really matter in life. I was sorry that she had to go through that and expressed my doubts about the intelligence of the man who would let such a beautiful, intelligent woman to get away. We kept talking and felt that, with every second and every word, we got closer and closer to each other.

Hours had passed and we both felt like this is the right thing to do, just get to know a complete stranger, who happened to be very exciting. At some point I even considered going even further with this whole thing, but I was afraid I was going to set foot out of boundaries and lose an amazing connection, so I hesitated. But she, as things were about to tell me later, she wouldn’t think twice of getting what she wanted. It was just one moment that made the difference, just one moment that would define the whole day and both of us, as well. And this how, those few seconds changed the entire course of events: I leaned forward to get my cup of tea and, as I tried to grab it, she takes in hand into hers and looks into my eyes…I must admit, I was a bit frightened for what was about to happen, but getting back to the story…she fixed me with her big green eyes and told me: “Daniel, I like you” and softly, she put her hands behind my neck and leaned towards to kiss me…this the moment I’ve been waiting this whole time, this is the moment I’ve been talking all along, the one that makes not only your day, but your life seem better, for that moment is priceless and should not be forgotten…So I leaned towards her, too and we kissed…And, my God, it was amazing…The soft touch of her cherry-flavored lips, her tongue and mine gently touching one another in this perfect moment which I wished had never stopped…Those seconds seemed to go on forever as we expressed our deepest feelings and everything seemed so perfect I wish she and I had never let go…But, as every perfect moment in life, it was just for a few seconds and then it stopped. I could notice her candle-lit eyes, her soft mouth, the blush in her cheeks, the dark hair flowing on her shoulders…In my eyes and in the following moments, she was the best thing that could ever happen to me…But the minutes of sublime love, because that was just what happened, had passed and soon, reality was about to take it’s rightful place in out lives. We realized the she was behind her schedule and that she needed to get to the airport as soon as possible. I went with her to just get the chance to say a proper “Good-bye”. So, we finally arrived at the airport, it was 7:30 p.m. and she still got time to catch her flight. It was, perhaps, the second most saddest thing that had ever happened to me, because I realized that I would never get the chance to see her again and that moments will be forever lost…And the worst part of it was that neither me or her could do anything about it…She gave me a big hug, kissed me again, but the magic of the moment had passed…She started walking towards the gates and turned back for one last time and I could see her eyes flushed with tears…I have to say, that was the moment that just ripped my heart out, because never before had I felt such disappointment, such sorrow for the perfect girl and the perfect future life had slipped through my fingertips…I know I will never forget her, because she, in her unknown way, gave me back my confidence in feelings…And when I could finally see the gates closing behind her, I turned around and got home…

And as I was getting home, I open my e-mail on my Iphone and find out she had sent me a short mail which she had written the following: “I truly love you and I will anything that stands within my powers to have you by my side for the rest of my life”…In that moment, I burst into tears and I cried…I pulled my car over to the side of the road, got out of it and, it was raining, I point my eyes straight to the skies and cry myself out…It was all so painful, those minutes can’t be described or compared to anything…Feeling helpless, I could not see any silver lining at that point of my life...I was just standing out in the rain and hoped that it will be all washed away,but it didn't...Those moments were some of the few moments in life when you can literally feel the excruciating pain building up inside of you and smashing your feelings in unreachable little bits that you will never manage to put together again...I tried, I tried so hard to pull myself up, but I just couldn't...As the tears were flowing down my face, I realized sorrow and loneliness are the worst things you can go through, but having to deal with both, at the same time...My opinion is that nobody should ever have to get through that...Having to watch possibly your last chance to happiness slipping through your fingertips, and getting flooded by all those "demotions"...And then, I figured that this is what my life was going to be until I will see her again, and more suffering was brought upon me...

…And that was it…Love at first sight...Gave me the most beautiful moments in my life and then, torn my heart apart…

Love story...

It was a cold winter evening and I was on vacation, visiting my grandparents. I was sitting next to the fireplace with grandpa and we were playing chess and talking about what was going on my life, how was it to be in college and what changes have I done to my life since I left home. From time to time grandma would come in with cups of mulled wine and sit next to us, just to listen to us and check out if I am all right…And I was, because I was reminiscing all the things that happened throughout my childhood in that very house, and being next to my grandparents, talking to them, seeing the gleam in their eyes, because I’ve grown up and I am able now to talk straight to them and show them how mature I am…After all, it’s been a whole year since I haven’t seen them and I was enjoying it to its fullest.

The hours went past us as we were heading deeper into the night, enjoying the hot wine, playing the game me and grandpa were playing for so long and even if it was late in the night, we were passed 2 a.m., the night was still young. Just as we finished yet another game,  my exhausted grandma finally went to bed...In the moment she walked out of the room, grandpa leaned back on his old armchair and looked directly to my eyes...I have to admit, I had no idea what was going through his mind, so I proposed another game, but he refused saying that the time for games is done…For a few seconds I was stunned, I had never seen my grandfather so steady…And then he asked me the question I feared the most, because he had always known what’s going on in my life(he could read me like an open book and knew me better than his own pockets): “How are things going in your personal life?”…Of course he knew the answer. I had grown right next to him and knew me better than anyone else…He was aware that I was going through a terrible heartbreak and he definitely wanted to change that, because he couldn’t stand to see me suffering, although I was doing my best to hide it, he told me: “The mask that you’re trying to wear while you’re here might fool your grandma, but that won't work on me”…So I told him, everything he already knew, but needed to hear it from me…I told him how, since high school ended, I was only hitting walls, both professionally and personally, and that I am losing hope that I will ever be able to commit to a real person who would want to spend the rest of her life right next me…I told him how my high school sweetheart had left me just as got admitted to college, how I got my heart broken by a girl that still haunts my nights and, unconsciously, won’t let me sleep, how I was so desperate to find that special woman and I got nowhere. I told him how, one by one, my childhood dreams were starting to shatter away and that I was losing hope on everything and thought that there was really nothing and no one there that could drag me out of this dark pit of endless depressions…

He, then, shut the chessboard and looked straight into my eyes…He was analyzing me to the smallest detail. He wanted to know for sure if I was just a pitiful stupid boy or that what I said was the very truth…He turned to the fire and said that he was about to tell me a story that defined his entire life. He told me to lie back and relax because the sun was going to set up to the sky before this story would have ended...

“Son, this is the story of my life, because it changed it the way I had never dreamed of. I am telling you this only now because you need it and I believe that you are prepared to fully understand the meaning of it…It was the summer of 1962 and I was at my parents house when, on one day, someone from the national army came and said that he had an enlistment order and that I had one day to pack up my things because I was about to get detached to a military base. I knew this day would come, so I got my stuff and get ready to leave home. My mother started crying saying that she would give her life just for me to stay home and not get involved in any war. I knew she couldn’t take it if I was to die, but I tried the best I could to settle her down and reassure her that nothing would happen to me and that I would return home safe and sane. She kept crying for the entire day, as I was confronting my father. He was a tough, severe, strict man that won’t be moved by anything. I told him the news and he, for the first time in my life, told me to take care of myself and watch out for anything because the outer world is tough and that if I was frail, I would not stand a chance. I thanked him and he immediately left so I wouldn’t see him cry, but I could feel it. The next day had come and the soldier that came in the other day had arrived. I hugged my mother, shook hands my father and left with that man in his army car. In the same day, we had arrived at the local detachment where they told me I was going to be sent to a military base in the northern mountains of our country. For a moment, I thought I was going to lose my breath. That place was five hundred miles from home and, given those times, fifty years ago, there was no possible way that I could return home in a weekend off…But shortly, I manned up and said to myself that I was ready to do this and it’s something that I had to do. I had traveled for three days in order to reach the specified location and arrived there in the evening of the third day of travel. I was given a bed and was told that the next day I will commence my military duty. I wasn’t too thrilled by it, but I had no other option. Beginning with the next day, there were two years I had to go through until I was allowed to go home. But then, I realized that days will go by and I will get to meet new people and have the time of my life in that very garrison…So, days went by, the summer was done, and in the fall I got my first permission to go out of the garrison. I took that opportunity to visit a nearby town. I had left on Friday morning and I was told that I had to get back by Monday. So I set foot to see new places and meet new people, but because it was autumn and the roads were very damaged, I had to take my horse and rode to the town. I arrived at an inn and got a room for the weekend. I took my horse to the inn’s stables and left to visit this part of the country I had never seen before. I was already accommodated to the cold weather, the fresh air and the magnificent landscape, but I didn’t get the chance to meet people, so I went to a local tavern. I ordered some hard liquor and sat down at some table. Of course people had already noticed that I wasn’t from those lands and started asking me questions about my origins and what I doing in that part of the country. The people were so friendly and I decided that I would sit down, drink and talk with them. The next two days I returned to that tavern where I met the same people and started drinking and talking about all kinds of things. On Sunday morning I went to a local church and prayed and then leave to the garrison. Another three months passed and I was allowed again to get out in the town. It was near the Christmas time and I was thrilled because I knew that these people were so faithful and kind I would have a peaceful time to recover from all the hard training I had endured through all that time. But in that very weekend something really special happened. I had seen the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. What can I tell you? I was all sweaty, my heart would break through my chest and I had nothing to say to her, although in that moment I realized that was the woman I wanted to live next to. It took me another three months so I could get in touch with her and try and talk to her. She found my accent funny and thought that I was different and that she liked me, too. But I had to return to the garrison, and this time…I wasn’t allowed to leave there for six months because I had punched another soldier. Those six months were like walking on hot coal…I couldn’t stand the thought that I couldn’t see her. But I got through that, too and the first time I was allowed to go to the town I had set my mind that I was going to propose to her. I told her in the same night and she jumped into my arms, kissed me for the first time and told me that she would like nothing more in this world, but to spend the rest of her life next to me. The next day, she invited me to her house, so I could meet her family, especially her parents, whom I had to prove that I am trustworthy and that I would take great care of their daughter, if I were to marry her. There was only one obstacle, her dad would not accept the fact that his only daughter would marry to a man who is not even from those parts of the country and that I would take her away with me to settle at my parents’ house. He told me clearly that he cannot allow that to happen, not while he is still around. He, then, asked to leave his house, never return there and leave his daughter alone…My world was shook from its’ foundation…I was devastated…I simply didn’t know what to do. I loved her so much and I wasn’t able to see my life continue in any way without her.

And so, my military duty was close to the end and I was supposed to leave those lands and leave the love of my life behind. This was by far the biggest problem I had confronted in my entire life. So, in my last permission, I went to the town, go to the same tavern, talk to the same people, enjoy the same drink with them(I must admit that inside of me, I was crying my heart out, because I was aware that I was never able to return there and see the beautiful woman who stole my heart)…I was walking through the town, but nothing looked the same, not even the all-mighty mountains that were overlooking the town didn’t seem so impressive, not even the fresh air didn’t seen to puncture my lungs anymore, not even the magnificent food didn’t seem to taste so well…In my mind, nothing was ever going to be the same. And as I was walking through the town I see her and in that second I start running towards her to declare my love and give away my life for her…but she was going to the church with the entire family and her father immediately intervened and told me that this is a sacred day for the family and that he would not care if I was dying. In that moment I realized that there is no getting out of it…I was about to leave that place and leave half of my life there…On countless nights I told myself I was going to commit suicide and put everyone in my family through great sorrow, because I didn’t care…I just wanted everyone else to feel how much I was suffering…But there always the thought, the hope that never died, that one day maybe, just maybe, I would see her again…

In the next few weeks, my military duty was done and I was sent home. I had arrived home and I received I big welcome from my mother, who couldn’t stop from crying and a hug from my father. I could read in their eyes that seeing me returning home safe was the biggest satisfaction of their lives. But these had no effect on me because I still couldn’t get through that sad feeling that a part of me is not where it belongs, that half of me is trapped five hundred miles away from me…I just didn’t seem to get past it, no matter how hard I had tried, nothing worked…I spent another year at home, helping my parents out by doing the chores at the farm…But I still wasn’t settled…

So, one day I braced up and told my dad about everything that happened while I was enlisted...It took me a whole day to try and explain him what I had gone through the past year and that I couldn’t take anymore of it and that I had to see her and have her…Surprisingly, he accepted my request to go there after her and told me that, no matter what happened, he would always trusted my judgement because I had never failed him…And so, the very next day, without telling anything to my mother, I left for that small mountain town to get the love of my life back with me. The journey was amazing, I had enjoyed every second of it, the evergreen forest, snow covered mountain peaks, the fresh air that pierced my nostrils, everything seemed so bright, so beautiful, and all of these because I was going through the thrill of my life. I was bursting with excitement and couldn’t wait to get there. In the meantime, I had got my mind set not to leave that place until I get her. I was willing to steal her or do something crazy, because it was her…and I couldn’t leave without her.

In the first second I got off the train, I started running towards her house willing to accept no refuse. I got there and tried to talk her parents into letting her daughter marry me. Even they couldn’t believe that I went suck long of a distance to see their daughter again, but the father remained steady on his previous answer…He would not let his daughter marry away from home land…I had no choice…I was determined to make her run with me. And so, in the next night I had met her in secret at a specific location and I told her about what I was going to do…I also told her that I can’t waste my life chasing ghosts and that if she wouldn’t follow me, I would have to go back home…Then, with her eyes all watered up, she told me that she was going to follow me to the end of the world because she hadn’t met someone so special, so kind, so thoughtful…She was willing to die for me as I was willing to die for her…In the next day she got her stuff and ran from home in order to meet me at the train station…We left that town and we acknowledged that might be the last time she had thrown her entire life behind…But she didn’t care about it, because she was with me…And that was all that mattered...Needless to say that my family gave her a big welcome and treated her like their own relative…We started making wedding plans and, suddenly, we realized that no one from her own family would be come…I knew that this was going to be a big disappointment for her, if she didn’t have her family there, at her own wedding…So, I left home and set to go to her family, alone. When I got there I told them about the wedding and her father actually tried to kill me…He was, then, calmed down by the entire family and accepted my invite…So, they all came to their daughters’ wedding and finally accepted me as their son-in-law…We had a big wedding and, as you can see right now, son, forty-six years later, we still can’t be separated…”

Grandpa finished the story and went to the basement to grab another bottle of wine as I was still analyzing what he just told me. The sun was up now and night had, imperceptibly, gone…As he returned he told me: “Son, I love you more than I love my own children, because you have always been close to me. This is why I have told you this story, so you could understand that the true, sincere feelings never go away and no matter what happens with your life, no matter how rich or famous you get, if you don’t have that special someone next to you, you’ve achieved nothing…You must always follow your heart in this matter because your brain and instincts are useless…You must chase true love because nothing will bring it to you, if you just stand alone, in the dark, and cry yourself out…She is out there, I can definitely assure you of that, but you have to go looking for it, otherwise, you will only manage to live a lonely, unfulfilled life…You can get past any ghost of the past, any sorrow, any enemy, if you have that ‘someone’ alongside with you…You should pick yourself up now, because the time for stories it done”

…He opened that bottle of wine, set the pieces on the chessboard and another day was about to begin… 

Above all...I love you,woman...

Do you know how it feels? Do you have any idea what it is like to be the way I am?...No, you don’t. But of course you don’t, you’re not me…You never were and most definitely won’t. But do you know why I’m asking?...You can’t figure that out either, no surprise there…And yet, from the two of us, I am the one who still can’t find the right path, the right answer…And that’s because you’re not even trying to get beneath the question. But I don’t mind, I could never hold anything negative against you. From the two of us, I am the one who is trying day after day, night after night to find a way to make this right…To make this work and be, for once in my life, settled, care-free and contempt with myself…And it seems that no matter how hard I struggle, how hard I fight, it doesn’t even matter anymore if I try or not…The result will always be same one I have concluded for all this time…You probably still don’t have even the slightest idea of what I am talking about…And you’re right to be (by now, you probably even lost interest in this, and I don’t blame you). So, without any other introduction, I will proceed straight to my point. The thing I’ve been trying to fight, I’ve been trying figure out…Is loneliness, isolation…Not being able to find that one thing that seemed to have always slipped through the tips of my fingers…

You know, for quite a time, I thought I will never be able to find the answer. But, no matter how hard it got to go through the nights or how punishing it was, I had never given up, although that crossed my mind more than a few times...And, finally, the answer came to me…and it was YOU…Yes, it is true. For all this time, the answer was right in front of me…For so many lost nights I had stayed up until the dusk, wanting to give up, willing to lose any hope, self-sacrificing myself into an excruciating fate of solitude and sorrowful regrets…But, no matter how dark was the sky at night, no matter if any stars were there for me…I’ve fought my battles and, finally, came to the end of the imprisoning incertitude…You are here, and I am finally aware of you presence.

But still…you have no idea who is YOU, do you? Well, of course you don’t…How could you? YOU is, in fact, a woman…YOU is “the woman”…each and every single one of them. And you want to know why? Because I, being a man, will always be attracted to you and will always keep you safe by my side, doing the best there is to be done to protect you from harms…Because I want you in my arms, at the end of the day, looking out the window, see the perfect sunset and know that this is all I ever wanted and as long as I have you…No wrong will be done to me. Because I want to give you the first snowdrop in the spring…I want to take you in my arms whenever I hear our song and, with your head lying on my chest, slowly start dancing…I want to get to sleep with your arms wrapped around my waist…I want to hold you in my arms and smell your beautiful ocean-scented fragrance…I want to do all these things, and so many more…Because you deserve it, because, in my eyes, you’re the only one who will ever make me feel right…Because…I love you. I know, these days, the word itself has been denigrated, ran over by the nobodies of the world…Because they had never known the purity of the feeling and never will…Because love isn’t for anyone… Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast and it’s not proud. It does not dishonor others, it’s not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love is the desire to give up what is yours to another and feel as if her happiness is yours. Love is the one way to make a part of your dreams come to life. Love doesn’t mean staring at one another, it means looking together in the same direction. Love is the time and space, all measured up with your heart. Love is not the resemblance of two persons, but the mistery between them. Love is the glow that turns the daily society’s dust into golden fog…But overall, love never fails…For so long, love has been replaced by vulgarity, alongside with shallowness and insensibility…Well, I am no like that. Comparing with the fantasy love stories that I got in my head, all these are nothing but carnal sins, proving once again that human being has gotten to far from the original state, being closer to a eternal damnation to suffering than salvation from the self-induced humiliation…

Well, I’ve grown to be sick and tired of all these…I’ve had enough of this social degradation of the sick human mind…I want to live and love…And truth to be told…I would always choose to love and be loved by the same person at any point of my life, because then, at that very point, I would be most certain that I have the only three things that matter: ”I am at the right place, at the right time and by the only person that truly matters”…I often get this question crossed me by a lot of people: “If you had to choose between money and love, what would your pick be?”…I just want to say that the answer will always be the same and will come in the same way, in a heart beat: “Definitely, love”. And the certainty will come from this one single scenario that I dream of and will probably never going to be able to get out of my head: “I am in my mid-thirties, I am at home, my own home, with my family…It’s late, the sun has set for some time now and I get to bed. I stop by my daughter’s bedroom and watch her sleep…She’s the light of my life and she couldn’t be more beautiful…I am standing by her door and silently admire her when my wife comes and, form the back, takes me in her arms, her skin is soft like silk and her scent lights my day, kissing my neck and telling me how grateful she is that I am always there for them and that she would give up everything just to know that her only offspring is fine…I turn towards her…She is as gorgeous as the first day I saw her (my little angel resembles her so much) and I feel that is the right place to be…I will forever love her and would never give up on her, not even the world would come to an end…I’ll always be the man she needs, the husband she relies on and the friend she trusts…”. Call me brain-damaged…I don’t care. That is the perfect scenario for me. And you want to know why? Because I would have love…Love can make me take on everyone, get through the worst nightmares, the most punishing depressions and the loneliest days of my life…As far as I know there will always be somebody at the other end who is willing to share my suffering and get me out of it because I mean something to her...I can rise above any sorrow, disappointment or regret...

Concluding…Wake up people!!! Where there is no love…there is no humanity…Without love we are nothing but machines punished to endure the same Sisyphus’s rut each and every day, without any escape…Love makes people dream, makes them think, makes them believe… Believe there is deliverance, and that their resolve is a beautiful one, making cheerful and contempt with themselves, because then, and no moment else, people would know that their life hadn’t been in vain…Love makes people go wild with their feelings…It messes up all your organism…You can’t breathe easy, your heart is going nuts and you’re not able to think at all…Yes, it is true, love does make people make stupid decision that they give very little thought of…But the rush is unbelievable…Without love, people are numb, they are bored and they go deep inside dark depressions…Boredom is the unstable equilibrium of the void of the world and emptiness of heart, that would mean numbness, if we weren’t aware of the secret desire that lies within each and everyone of them...This is nothing but my point of view…Actually, it’s more than that…It’s a wake up call…To each and everyone of you…And if I had made one person give it a thought, then that would mean I hadn’t lived for nothing…Feelings make us who we are…Nowadays, the others know you by your wisdom or stupidity, whether you’re beautiful or not…Feelings don’t matter any more, and that leads to further degradation of the current society, and that would mean that we had been going a long time through history…accomplishing nothing…

I love you, woman! I love you, because you make me smile when I have a bad day, because you make me cry when I realize how fortunate I am to have you by my side, because you grab my body in your arms and take my head to your chest and make me truly believe that no matter what happens, we will always be all right, because I wake up with you in my mind every day and feel confident about myself, because every night I get to bed I got you in my dreams, because you are the one who listens to my problems and you are the one that gets the through them, because you are the one who gives me the good advice when I need it, because you kiss me every time I need you, because your voice will pull me to the surface from every letdown, because the touch of your skin makes me dream with my eyes wide open, because your scent makes me feel I can fly, because your eyes put a spell on my heart, because your smile takes me to that special place where I have fallen in love with you, because …Because without you…I don’t exist…

And that’s why…Above all…I love you, woman!

...Lifetime of disappointments...

…She stands on a cliff at the shoreline…She’s full of sorrow and regrets…She feels she’s let down the one person who’s been next to her all that time when she needed it…She knows he’s done everything for her and has been by her side all the times when it mattered…She feels so useless, she feels she’s thrown all her youth away and that she could’ve done more…and she should’ve…but she chose to just have a great time in life while she was still young…and she has…but she couldn’t see that he’s been in her life for an eternity and from all the people, he was the one who got to her the most…but she wouldn’t even consider him as a possible boyfriend, let alone spending the rest of her life by his side…

In order for all of these to have any sense, I will take you twenty-three years ago, when both of them were at the peak of their life…They were both fifteen, he was just a little bit older than her, but that didn’t change anything. You could say they were best friends at that time. They understood each other so well, they were talking a lot, on messenger, by texts, on the phone, it didn’t matter…What can I say, they were best friends. They were both studying at the same high school and were desk mates. His dream was to become a railway engineer, and hers’, to be a singer…They were seeing each other almost daily. They were talking about everything. It didn’t matter for them, because they knew they can help the other in any matter because they were the only one who were getting along that well. They were practically inseparable, excepting the fact that they didn’t share a bed in a condo. They’ve just met and it was the beginning of high school. For them, it was like instant chemistry and you could say they felt it even before it even started. At least, they met, they talked…a lot…and about anything and everything. They had so much to share, so many things in common, so many things to talk about, because they both saw that they agreed so well on most of things and hated almost the same, as well…And even all the way through high school, they were best friends and no one could stay between them because they looked so strong, so confident together, they had each other and there wasn’t a thing that could separate them. They practically flew by through high school and both got in college, were they…continued everything they had started almost four years ago…

Now, they were both adults and things seemed to change a little bit…At first, they continued their friendship on the same note, sharing everything and talking about anything. The time flew by them and they were already in the first semester of their sophomore year…They were both getting back from the summer break. He had just returned from New Zealand, the country he has always wanted to visit, and, for him, it was heaven on Earth. The trip was extraordinary and he’s done everything he has dreamed for a lifetime…He studied about the Maori civilization, he saw the wonderful mountains, and climbed almost all of them, he even learned how to play rugby, from his favorite team, the New Zealand national rugby team, the “All Blacks”…For him, this trip had just one flaw…She wasn’t there along with him…Because, for all this time, he had cared for her more than he believed, and being away from her made him realize that she was the one thing that was missing in his life…The more and more time he spent away from her, he realized that she is the one for him and that he would be nothing but a bitter disappointment in his eyes if he didn’t have her next to him for the rest of his life…He even thought about it all this time, he had changed his mind several times, he thought he was just confused and that he hadn’t known until then how it is to have a true friendship that lasts for a long time…But he even tried to approach this problem in different ways…He hadn’t accomplished anything…Now, for him, it was a big matter, for several reasons…One of them stood above everything: “they were friends”…and that was all that they would ever be. Unfortunately, he had to return to his native country and continue his studies…Shortly after he returned, they met…But there was something different. She was still happy as always, as he’ll forever recall her, but there was a reason for that…She was engaged…I know, now you will say that people don’t get engaged after just one summer together, but she had a certain particularity in her personality, which made her the perfect person for him, she was always spontaneous…He could even recall all those nights in their first year in college, where she would call him in the middle of the night, it was spring, and they hung out until sunrise, because they both loved to see it with any occasion…But now, getting back at that moment, she was with another guy, and…Things between them didn’t seem to go as well as they did before…They were still taking, like once every two or three days, but it was different…He felt thrown away, like some used shirt that you just leave somewhere and forget about it…And he felt abandoned, too…She had now someone else to share everything and, above all, she seemed to have strong feelings for that guy(shortly, she got to marry him)…He tried to keep everything bottled up and, for a fair amount of time, he had managed to do that with success. Years went by, he finished his studies (she never got to finish hers, being married several times) and got a job offer in a very successful company in Monte Carlo…He accepted it on the spot, hoping that he would be too concerned about his job and that he would forget about her. But she remained behind, married and deep in love with her current husband. He had to leave, he had no other choice but to suffer for the rest of his life…At that point, when he left the country, he called her to meet and talk, for that is a very important thing in his life and that he felt that he had to share it with his closest friend…But she refused, telling him that she was going out with her husband and that she couldn’t do anything about it…That was the only thing he needed to know: she didn’t want to have anything to do with him, because she was happy and didn’t want to share that with anyone but her husband…

He quickly packed up his things and got in the first flight to Monte Carlo. He hadn’t mentioned any of it to her, because he didn’t want to disturb her perfect life with anything…The next day, he was already there, checked into a hotel and ready to start a new life, doing everything that he had dreamed of. He started working and he was as happy as he would ever be. Professionally, he was doing great, in fact, he was at his best, he had great co-workers which made his job even better. Shortly, he started to meet new people, which became his friends, because he was so talkative and open to everything new…He even managed to buy his own place in less than three months and had more money than he knew what to do with them…On these plans, he was doing amazing, and had all the time in the world to be more focused on his current life and job, and because of those things, in two years-time he got to be the CEO of that company, which now was worldwide spread and had headquarters on every continent…His life couldn’t be more successful…He had designed a revolutionary system to build railway tunnels on long distances underwater and owned more than 70%  of all the railways in the world and, because of that, he got to be in the top twenty most richest people in the world…He had visited everything that there is to visit, he climbed up the Everest, he had done successful expeditions in the Rub-al-Khad visited everything that there is to visit, he climbed up the Everest hali, the Antarctica and The North Pole. He was still fascinated about all kinds of animals in the world and had created natural reservations for them all around the world, in order for them to avoid extinction. Three was nothing for him to do next, but the one thing he never managed to accomplish…”She” wasn’t there for him…In his social life, he was doing fantastic, everybody liked him, because he truly was a unique person which anybody would want to have in their life. He knew how to a true friend and had lots of partners all over the world and kept good business relationships with all of them…But he has unfulfilled…Why?...Because of “Her”…Because she didn’t exist for him and because he had failed to confess his feelings long time ago, when he was supposed to…Now, twenty-three years later, he’s standing on the deck of his Monte Carlo house and he prepares to deliver a message which, by the time he would finish what was on his heart and get to the one person that needed to see that message, would end his life…He turns on the recording camera, he is wearing the black tuxedo that mattered so much to him(he had worn it the first time at his prom where he and she were declared king and queen of the prom…he knew she would recognize it)…He is now talking on a lowered voice about all the things he had been doing all this time he was away and the one true blank spot in his life was her and that he is tired of everything and wants to end, because he would not endure any more suffering…He is full of regrets…You could tell that by his lowered look(not even could he look straight into her eyes)…He finishes what he had to say by telling her he would be dead by the time she got the tape and that he is sorry for everything wrong he has ever done to her…He ends the message with a short “I will forever love you” and closes the camera…He would now proceed to hang himself...

In the same day…She gets the tape, she was now divorced the fourth time, after four unsuccessful marriages, she plays the tape, she watches it through the end and…She is blown…She never saw it, it was obvious to her all this time, but she never considered it a possibility…She , then, bursts into tears and tries to get away as soon as possible…She goes to the one place she felt like home at every time in her life…The seaside…And now, we’re back in the present time…She is now, forty-two…she’s been through a rough life and she realizes that her true life should’ve been by his side…She is standing on those cliffs, she is full of tears and, on that instant, decides it is time to end her life as well, because right at that moment she realized that her life has no meaning anymore…She jumps…she gets crushed by the massive rocks…And dies…

 ...And that was it...After a lifetime of struggling...After going through so many things...They both ended dead...his ashes are now at the Eden Park Stadium of Auckland and her body is buried into the sea and, at the end of their lives, they left nothing behind and went through all these for nothing...They've gone through hell just to die...

...No deliverance...

I've always looked for happiness ... I dreamed spending nights under the moonlight ... Being just me and me alone, being surrounded only by darkness, cold, everything that is pure ... That night will not come, nothing will be like before ... Everything was so perfect .... Even the Moon, The Queen of the Night, before which not even the smallest cloud dared to settle, looked at me approvingly as I may stay and join that absolute silence ... so quiet, nothing seemed to venture, not even to stand out, to break that well defined pattern.
      Even I was afraid to whisper. Fearful, I was hurt and suffering,  I fitted almost perfectly in that magnificent landscape. I was doing nothing but to sit and contemplate and fight the inevitable struggle for liberation ... In all this kingdom of darkness, where the great flood of cold air abounded the atmosphere, in which the Moon itself kept watch above everything, here I wanted to save myself ...
      Tormented by many failures and disappointments, the lost soul had stayed in that pit of darkness for too long ... Full of sorrow, hatred and suffering, this innocent soul was crying out for help ... He only wanted to be saved, to acknowledge joy, happiness and banish loneliness ...
       Could he, in all his innocence, break the chains of failure and escape the Sisyphean torment? In this prison built by himself there can be no break ... The walls are too high, the handcuffs are too tight and the bars are too cold. No one can escape. The soul, his own prisoner, will not be able to leave without hurting himself again ...
      How beautiful were the times when he could be free ... He could enjoy everything. He could love sincerely and passionately  ... His heart knew happiness ...
      A singular blow was enough ... He was killed in one shot ... That huge shock destroyed him and cast him into darkness and sentenced him to eternal suffering ...
      After all this time, the wounds are still open, the memories are alive and will not in any way to disappear, the pain is so real, there are so many so many that not even time would be able to mend him ...
      It's been almost a year in which the poor soul has taken hit after hit, failure after failure ... He only managed to widen in solitude and everything seemed to go to a more and more imminent conviction. The only hope were his own writings, but they only proved to be just some other disappointments ... He was deceiving himself, believing he can get out of that imprisonment , that being with his loved ones would cure him, and set him free ...  He was able not to share his little love left, but give it all to make the person next to him happy, and thus he would become happy again, in order to feed himself on the happiness that he created ... He would fuel his thirst for happiness from the joy and the smiling faces that he gave to those around them ... But put another failure blacklist, another let-down that would make him be more sad and lose all hope ...
      Lost, without that hope, knowing that everything is in vain, there was no more struggling from the soul and no will to escape. Tired of caring so many fight within himself, tired and mostly finished from so many attempts, losing all his will for salvation, the soul will not leave the dark abyss...
...There is no deliverance for that soul...

Failure...

        The biggest failure of my life...what was it? How did it make me feel? These are easy questions but with a high difficulty to recall. We all experience failure, when we fail an important exam for wich we studied hard, or don’t manage to achieve our goals or succeed in our plans. But the biggest failure is when we realise that we are nothing but a big disappointment, with others and even ourselves.

            The failure I consider most major is so important that if it wouldn’t have happened, my life would have been different by now. And I am talking about disappointing a certain person in particular. We, guys always seek for the perfect balance between looks, personality and skill when it comes to choosing a girl and that balance is hard to find, but I was a lucky. She was great to me, nice looks, cute, awesome crazy personality and intelligence. We were made for each other, and we have been …until some point. She had one big flaw that I could have been able to cope with, but I refused to do so because of lack of interest: she was too sentimental. She was living in her own designed world, read psychological books, saw psychedelic films and more, she was so upfront about expressing her feelings. I mean, I was too, but to me expressing my feeling resumed to a short “I love you”. I was seeing her daily suffering because I was too much of an “earthling” and could not meet her psychological needs. I was too much of a self centered egomaniac, took everything for granted and not even once tried to change in the direction she asked me to and did not take advice, suggestion or any complaint from her. My problem is not that I can’t be profound as well, because I can, my problem is that I didn’t even tried to be. I know how to analyze my feelings, I also know how to talk about them and I like things that are psychologically stirring. Is just that I kept those moments for myself and did not share them with her, and when she was willing to share hers, her voice would hit a deaf wall. Walls are even better, because they vibrate and thus answer back, me , on the other hand, I was stiff as dead.

            Now, my biggest regret is that I failed to listen to her and to try to cope, and therefore she preferred loneliness. Moreover, she even gave me a heads-up about the suffering she was experiencing because of me, but I thought it was just a phase that all women have. When she pronounced herself for the last time I managed to have a quick glance at the inside of her world, but it was already too late. The core of my world...shattered, I was the one who knocked down the pole of my reality. And in the suffering and loneliness that followed, I felt what was like to live in her world. For a couple of months I was no longer human. While with the others I was forced to wear very thick mask so that no one would see the monster I turned into underneath, when I was alone I would take my mind to the place where she laughed with her beautiful smile, held me tight in her arms and showed me all the love a mentalist like her could show. Doing this, I often fell asleep on a wet pillow and my dream carried on, until her face started to become disfigured with pain and I started to grow fangs and big claws, and tear her apart. At first, after our braking up, I blamed her and even tried to hurt her some more, but I realized that all those accuses were only a lame attempt to gain redemption and convince myself that my inner monster is just a little puppy.

            Now she is seeing another guy, probably a Philosophy student, and I assume he is making her happy, but not as happy as I could have made her is I only gave it a little try. So failing at holding to the only human being that was perfect to me, and more, failing to do so because of my own indifference and egocentrism is the biggest failure of my life. I lost her because I preferred watching sports instead, because I was too caught with myself, because I assumed that everything is lawfully mine instead of seeing what really means in life, spending time with the loved ones.

...I failed at life itself...And now it's over...

If today was my last day

There is this ancient saying that goes like this:”Dream as if you live forever. Live as if you die tomorrow” and I am sure that every single one of us has been at least once confronted to this idea,of premature death.Not once we heard of people that were given diagnosis such as they have only a couple of months to live and we cannot stop on wondering what would it be like if I died tomorrow?

So , assuming that today was my last day alive, I would focus myself on two directions. Firstly, from a physical point of view, considering my limited resources that I am given now, I will most likely go visit my close relatives, my best friends and problably, waiting for my final moments I will retire to the closest place that i like best, a place where I can gather all of my mind, where I can enjoy the peace that we all long for during our speedfull lives. Or, I could chose, in order to spare the tears and the suffering of my loved one, to unknowingly say a quiet goodbye before leaving.

Secondly, the most important part in this last day would be meditating. Though I was supposed to run all day long in order to catch up and do my last activities as a human being before leavin the world,  in my last day of living, the really intense activity will be in my mind. Before an individual dies he usually focuses his ideas on two directions. One, it is our instinct as living beings to always have questions about our future. So the most natural idea in my time of dying would be :”What is after life? What will it happend to me after I pass to the other side'?”. Some would be frightened, thinking about the doctrines they were taught regarding sinning and hell... but not me. I belive that beyond death, there is nothing. Your body just stops functioning, your brain stops thinking and once that happens your mind ceases all activity. As for the ‚'soul'... well, the soul is just a projection of the mind so it dies together with the brain. There are no lava rivers, no devils with spiky spears, no screaming and suffering. There is nothing. But most likely, the idea most people compare to hell, I would name it to be the very last seconds of living, in which- and here comes the second direction your mind runs towards- I would think about all the things I have done, places I’ve seen, tears I have cried, laughes I caused, girls I kissed, hugs and handshakes, swearing and rage, love and friendship, hate and suffering, caring and devotion, moments I have cried myself to sleep and moment I have cried laughing, moments when I've seen my enemy smiling and moments when I’ve seen my mother smiling, moments of thriving and moments of regression, moments of fail and moments of success.

And then, I cannot but wonder, what am I leaving in this world, what will be proof of my existence in this world? But also, the moment of most intense sorrow is when you ask yourself regarding the things that you could have done in the future and even past, and then is when you realise that you could have done so much more but never had the will to. You start regreting the moments you hit a defenseless dog, or broke down your neighbour’s window, or made your mother cry, or shouted at your best friend, or made fun of a less fortunate kid,or chose to remain home alone instead of sharing moments with others. And you also think about what you could have done, about how proud you would have been seeing your child taking his first „A” in school, your first job promotion, your long desired trip abroad, your first grandchild’s words. Regrets torment your soul in the very last moments when all you long for is inner peace. That is what hell looks like, I believe- living your last moments with regrets and unfulfiled wishes.

... Or maybe, I can be one of the lucky and live my last moments with peace , convinced that no matter what I have done, I will be pleased with only I will have been achieved until then....

Love hurts...

Love hurts,especially when you give your heart to someone who barely knows you exist, to someone who insists on plowing through strange, stupid guys, who could never love her the way you do, leaving you outside alone and in a bottomless pit of oblivion, wishing with all your heart that she would come to her senses and realize that her true happiness lies with you and no one else, but knowing these all along will only smash you harder to the ground...And it will never happen, because she's a selfish, immature, heartless bitch...But good guys will always be there, because every woman has that one man she goes back to, heartbroken, scared, hopeless...It doesn't matter!!!But nobody knows why, not even her(That's probably why: "Good guys finish last")

Girls and women(because there is a big difference between them) always seem to have this tendency to find those guys who will hurt them, who will get them through thrills, who will eventually leave them heartbroken and in a pond of sorrow and they will still go on after those kind of men.

Now everyone will try and tell me that I am picking up on women...Well, I didn't mean that, really.I just wanted to point out some things that happen, and that they are wrong and should be fixed.

It's just that nobody should feel alone.I mean, it is all right with having friends and hang out and doing all those funny things you do with them, whether you're going bowling or just have a night out with the closed ones or maybe you're going out in a club and just let all your frustrations at the front door...The next day, those feelings will be back and you will end up feeling sorry for you again...And let's face it: How many friends are there for you when you really need someone to stand by your side?It's only my perception of it but, actually, there is nobody.And you want to know why?Because friends are overrated.They will only be close to you when your are at your best and you got the world lying at your feet, and they're right to be.I just want to say that you shouldn't bother your friends with your problems because they have their own and you don't even see that because you are too busy trying to figure a way out of your own.

But, I've drifted away...Bottom line is that tough times aren't for friends, for they are for that special one who is by your side, no matter of...anything!!!I've been looking for that person and I, myself have broken that rule and did my best to get a few women out of their misery, because they were hurt by some random jerk who would pretend to have feelings for them and them dump them at the first chance they got.And i felt sorry for them, I really did, because I know how it is to feel broken, beat, scared and to have have absolutely no one to get you out of your endless day-to-day routine of just feeling like hell and regretting every thought and feeling you put in for that ungrateful one who left you down in the dumps.I just want to point out that when the real hard times come there will be absolutely nobody for you to truly help you with your problem, but "the one", that "one" we're all looking for.Some of us have found it, some think they have but they're actually heading to a bitter disappointment and the rest haven't...

Somehow, it's frustrating, because if you are one of the people who are still looking for "the other half"(quotation i despise!), you find out it's not even close to a walk in the park and that the road to finding that person is more than full of shallow people who have no clue who you are or what you feel, making them unable to acknowledge they are desecrating a thing that could be beautiful, thrilling and give them the time of their life...for the rest of their life.Nevertheless, when you think you've found that person it is more than critical that the other person feels the same, otherwise there are two options:1.you get that person immediately out of your life!(this is the easy one, although it never is, letting someone go being as hard as nails) and 2.staying friends with that certain someone(which, let's admit it, no matter how good looks at first, at some point you will find yourself in that position where you discover the person that you like so much falls in love for someone else and you...can't do anything about it, because she'll never think of you as you think of her, moreover, she'll consider you her friend which, in my view, is a terrible thing)

Drawing the line to this "whatever-it-is", I just want to say that I am sick tired of all these and that, somehow, i have to end it...Don't know how, but eventually, that "romantic" part of me will die, because it has to...