Failure...

        The biggest failure of my life...what was it? How did it make me feel? These are easy questions but with a high difficulty to recall. We all experience failure, when we fail an important exam for wich we studied hard, or don’t manage to achieve our goals or succeed in our plans. But the biggest failure is when we realise that we are nothing but a big disappointment, with others and even ourselves.

            The failure I consider most major is so important that if it wouldn’t have happened, my life would have been different by now. And I am talking about disappointing a certain person in particular. We, guys always seek for the perfect balance between looks, personality and skill when it comes to choosing a girl and that balance is hard to find, but I was a lucky. She was great to me, nice looks, cute, awesome crazy personality and intelligence. We were made for each other, and we have been …until some point. She had one big flaw that I could have been able to cope with, but I refused to do so because of lack of interest: she was too sentimental. She was living in her own designed world, read psychological books, saw psychedelic films and more, she was so upfront about expressing her feelings. I mean, I was too, but to me expressing my feeling resumed to a short “I love you”. I was seeing her daily suffering because I was too much of an “earthling” and could not meet her psychological needs. I was too much of a self centered egomaniac, took everything for granted and not even once tried to change in the direction she asked me to and did not take advice, suggestion or any complaint from her. My problem is not that I can’t be profound as well, because I can, my problem is that I didn’t even tried to be. I know how to analyze my feelings, I also know how to talk about them and I like things that are psychologically stirring. Is just that I kept those moments for myself and did not share them with her, and when she was willing to share hers, her voice would hit a deaf wall. Walls are even better, because they vibrate and thus answer back, me , on the other hand, I was stiff as dead.

            Now, my biggest regret is that I failed to listen to her and to try to cope, and therefore she preferred loneliness. Moreover, she even gave me a heads-up about the suffering she was experiencing because of me, but I thought it was just a phase that all women have. When she pronounced herself for the last time I managed to have a quick glance at the inside of her world, but it was already too late. The core of my world...shattered, I was the one who knocked down the pole of my reality. And in the suffering and loneliness that followed, I felt what was like to live in her world. For a couple of months I was no longer human. While with the others I was forced to wear very thick mask so that no one would see the monster I turned into underneath, when I was alone I would take my mind to the place where she laughed with her beautiful smile, held me tight in her arms and showed me all the love a mentalist like her could show. Doing this, I often fell asleep on a wet pillow and my dream carried on, until her face started to become disfigured with pain and I started to grow fangs and big claws, and tear her apart. At first, after our braking up, I blamed her and even tried to hurt her some more, but I realized that all those accuses were only a lame attempt to gain redemption and convince myself that my inner monster is just a little puppy.

            Now she is seeing another guy, probably a Philosophy student, and I assume he is making her happy, but not as happy as I could have made her is I only gave it a little try. So failing at holding to the only human being that was perfect to me, and more, failing to do so because of my own indifference and egocentrism is the biggest failure of my life. I lost her because I preferred watching sports instead, because I was too caught with myself, because I assumed that everything is lawfully mine instead of seeing what really means in life, spending time with the loved ones.

...I failed at life itself...And now it's over...