...Lifetime of disappointments...

…She stands on a cliff at the shoreline…She’s full of sorrow and regrets…She feels she’s let down the one person who’s been next to her all that time when she needed it…She knows he’s done everything for her and has been by her side all the times when it mattered…She feels so useless, she feels she’s thrown all her youth away and that she could’ve done more…and she should’ve…but she chose to just have a great time in life while she was still young…and she has…but she couldn’t see that he’s been in her life for an eternity and from all the people, he was the one who got to her the most…but she wouldn’t even consider him as a possible boyfriend, let alone spending the rest of her life by his side…

In order for all of these to have any sense, I will take you twenty-three years ago, when both of them were at the peak of their life…They were both fifteen, he was just a little bit older than her, but that didn’t change anything. You could say they were best friends at that time. They understood each other so well, they were talking a lot, on messenger, by texts, on the phone, it didn’t matter…What can I say, they were best friends. They were both studying at the same high school and were desk mates. His dream was to become a railway engineer, and hers’, to be a singer…They were seeing each other almost daily. They were talking about everything. It didn’t matter for them, because they knew they can help the other in any matter because they were the only one who were getting along that well. They were practically inseparable, excepting the fact that they didn’t share a bed in a condo. They’ve just met and it was the beginning of high school. For them, it was like instant chemistry and you could say they felt it even before it even started. At least, they met, they talked…a lot…and about anything and everything. They had so much to share, so many things in common, so many things to talk about, because they both saw that they agreed so well on most of things and hated almost the same, as well…And even all the way through high school, they were best friends and no one could stay between them because they looked so strong, so confident together, they had each other and there wasn’t a thing that could separate them. They practically flew by through high school and both got in college, were they…continued everything they had started almost four years ago…

Now, they were both adults and things seemed to change a little bit…At first, they continued their friendship on the same note, sharing everything and talking about anything. The time flew by them and they were already in the first semester of their sophomore year…They were both getting back from the summer break. He had just returned from New Zealand, the country he has always wanted to visit, and, for him, it was heaven on Earth. The trip was extraordinary and he’s done everything he has dreamed for a lifetime…He studied about the Maori civilization, he saw the wonderful mountains, and climbed almost all of them, he even learned how to play rugby, from his favorite team, the New Zealand national rugby team, the “All Blacks”…For him, this trip had just one flaw…She wasn’t there along with him…Because, for all this time, he had cared for her more than he believed, and being away from her made him realize that she was the one thing that was missing in his life…The more and more time he spent away from her, he realized that she is the one for him and that he would be nothing but a bitter disappointment in his eyes if he didn’t have her next to him for the rest of his life…He even thought about it all this time, he had changed his mind several times, he thought he was just confused and that he hadn’t known until then how it is to have a true friendship that lasts for a long time…But he even tried to approach this problem in different ways…He hadn’t accomplished anything…Now, for him, it was a big matter, for several reasons…One of them stood above everything: “they were friends”…and that was all that they would ever be. Unfortunately, he had to return to his native country and continue his studies…Shortly after he returned, they met…But there was something different. She was still happy as always, as he’ll forever recall her, but there was a reason for that…She was engaged…I know, now you will say that people don’t get engaged after just one summer together, but she had a certain particularity in her personality, which made her the perfect person for him, she was always spontaneous…He could even recall all those nights in their first year in college, where she would call him in the middle of the night, it was spring, and they hung out until sunrise, because they both loved to see it with any occasion…But now, getting back at that moment, she was with another guy, and…Things between them didn’t seem to go as well as they did before…They were still taking, like once every two or three days, but it was different…He felt thrown away, like some used shirt that you just leave somewhere and forget about it…And he felt abandoned, too…She had now someone else to share everything and, above all, she seemed to have strong feelings for that guy(shortly, she got to marry him)…He tried to keep everything bottled up and, for a fair amount of time, he had managed to do that with success. Years went by, he finished his studies (she never got to finish hers, being married several times) and got a job offer in a very successful company in Monte Carlo…He accepted it on the spot, hoping that he would be too concerned about his job and that he would forget about her. But she remained behind, married and deep in love with her current husband. He had to leave, he had no other choice but to suffer for the rest of his life…At that point, when he left the country, he called her to meet and talk, for that is a very important thing in his life and that he felt that he had to share it with his closest friend…But she refused, telling him that she was going out with her husband and that she couldn’t do anything about it…That was the only thing he needed to know: she didn’t want to have anything to do with him, because she was happy and didn’t want to share that with anyone but her husband…

He quickly packed up his things and got in the first flight to Monte Carlo. He hadn’t mentioned any of it to her, because he didn’t want to disturb her perfect life with anything…The next day, he was already there, checked into a hotel and ready to start a new life, doing everything that he had dreamed of. He started working and he was as happy as he would ever be. Professionally, he was doing great, in fact, he was at his best, he had great co-workers which made his job even better. Shortly, he started to meet new people, which became his friends, because he was so talkative and open to everything new…He even managed to buy his own place in less than three months and had more money than he knew what to do with them…On these plans, he was doing amazing, and had all the time in the world to be more focused on his current life and job, and because of those things, in two years-time he got to be the CEO of that company, which now was worldwide spread and had headquarters on every continent…His life couldn’t be more successful…He had designed a revolutionary system to build railway tunnels on long distances underwater and owned more than 70%  of all the railways in the world and, because of that, he got to be in the top twenty most richest people in the world…He had visited everything that there is to visit, he climbed up the Everest, he had done successful expeditions in the Rub-al-Khad visited everything that there is to visit, he climbed up the Everest hali, the Antarctica and The North Pole. He was still fascinated about all kinds of animals in the world and had created natural reservations for them all around the world, in order for them to avoid extinction. Three was nothing for him to do next, but the one thing he never managed to accomplish…”She” wasn’t there for him…In his social life, he was doing fantastic, everybody liked him, because he truly was a unique person which anybody would want to have in their life. He knew how to a true friend and had lots of partners all over the world and kept good business relationships with all of them…But he has unfulfilled…Why?...Because of “Her”…Because she didn’t exist for him and because he had failed to confess his feelings long time ago, when he was supposed to…Now, twenty-three years later, he’s standing on the deck of his Monte Carlo house and he prepares to deliver a message which, by the time he would finish what was on his heart and get to the one person that needed to see that message, would end his life…He turns on the recording camera, he is wearing the black tuxedo that mattered so much to him(he had worn it the first time at his prom where he and she were declared king and queen of the prom…he knew she would recognize it)…He is now talking on a lowered voice about all the things he had been doing all this time he was away and the one true blank spot in his life was her and that he is tired of everything and wants to end, because he would not endure any more suffering…He is full of regrets…You could tell that by his lowered look(not even could he look straight into her eyes)…He finishes what he had to say by telling her he would be dead by the time she got the tape and that he is sorry for everything wrong he has ever done to her…He ends the message with a short “I will forever love you” and closes the camera…He would now proceed to hang himself...

In the same day…She gets the tape, she was now divorced the fourth time, after four unsuccessful marriages, she plays the tape, she watches it through the end and…She is blown…She never saw it, it was obvious to her all this time, but she never considered it a possibility…She , then, bursts into tears and tries to get away as soon as possible…She goes to the one place she felt like home at every time in her life…The seaside…And now, we’re back in the present time…She is now, forty-two…she’s been through a rough life and she realizes that her true life should’ve been by his side…She is standing on those cliffs, she is full of tears and, on that instant, decides it is time to end her life as well, because right at that moment she realized that her life has no meaning anymore…She jumps…she gets crushed by the massive rocks…And dies…

 ...And that was it...After a lifetime of struggling...After going through so many things...They both ended dead...his ashes are now at the Eden Park Stadium of Auckland and her body is buried into the sea and, at the end of their lives, they left nothing behind and went through all these for nothing...They've gone through hell just to die...

...No deliverance...

I've always looked for happiness ... I dreamed spending nights under the moonlight ... Being just me and me alone, being surrounded only by darkness, cold, everything that is pure ... That night will not come, nothing will be like before ... Everything was so perfect .... Even the Moon, The Queen of the Night, before which not even the smallest cloud dared to settle, looked at me approvingly as I may stay and join that absolute silence ... so quiet, nothing seemed to venture, not even to stand out, to break that well defined pattern.
      Even I was afraid to whisper. Fearful, I was hurt and suffering,  I fitted almost perfectly in that magnificent landscape. I was doing nothing but to sit and contemplate and fight the inevitable struggle for liberation ... In all this kingdom of darkness, where the great flood of cold air abounded the atmosphere, in which the Moon itself kept watch above everything, here I wanted to save myself ...
      Tormented by many failures and disappointments, the lost soul had stayed in that pit of darkness for too long ... Full of sorrow, hatred and suffering, this innocent soul was crying out for help ... He only wanted to be saved, to acknowledge joy, happiness and banish loneliness ...
       Could he, in all his innocence, break the chains of failure and escape the Sisyphean torment? In this prison built by himself there can be no break ... The walls are too high, the handcuffs are too tight and the bars are too cold. No one can escape. The soul, his own prisoner, will not be able to leave without hurting himself again ...
      How beautiful were the times when he could be free ... He could enjoy everything. He could love sincerely and passionately  ... His heart knew happiness ...
      A singular blow was enough ... He was killed in one shot ... That huge shock destroyed him and cast him into darkness and sentenced him to eternal suffering ...
      After all this time, the wounds are still open, the memories are alive and will not in any way to disappear, the pain is so real, there are so many so many that not even time would be able to mend him ...
      It's been almost a year in which the poor soul has taken hit after hit, failure after failure ... He only managed to widen in solitude and everything seemed to go to a more and more imminent conviction. The only hope were his own writings, but they only proved to be just some other disappointments ... He was deceiving himself, believing he can get out of that imprisonment , that being with his loved ones would cure him, and set him free ...  He was able not to share his little love left, but give it all to make the person next to him happy, and thus he would become happy again, in order to feed himself on the happiness that he created ... He would fuel his thirst for happiness from the joy and the smiling faces that he gave to those around them ... But put another failure blacklist, another let-down that would make him be more sad and lose all hope ...
      Lost, without that hope, knowing that everything is in vain, there was no more struggling from the soul and no will to escape. Tired of caring so many fight within himself, tired and mostly finished from so many attempts, losing all his will for salvation, the soul will not leave the dark abyss...
...There is no deliverance for that soul...

Failure...

        The biggest failure of my life...what was it? How did it make me feel? These are easy questions but with a high difficulty to recall. We all experience failure, when we fail an important exam for wich we studied hard, or don’t manage to achieve our goals or succeed in our plans. But the biggest failure is when we realise that we are nothing but a big disappointment, with others and even ourselves.

            The failure I consider most major is so important that if it wouldn’t have happened, my life would have been different by now. And I am talking about disappointing a certain person in particular. We, guys always seek for the perfect balance between looks, personality and skill when it comes to choosing a girl and that balance is hard to find, but I was a lucky. She was great to me, nice looks, cute, awesome crazy personality and intelligence. We were made for each other, and we have been …until some point. She had one big flaw that I could have been able to cope with, but I refused to do so because of lack of interest: she was too sentimental. She was living in her own designed world, read psychological books, saw psychedelic films and more, she was so upfront about expressing her feelings. I mean, I was too, but to me expressing my feeling resumed to a short “I love you”. I was seeing her daily suffering because I was too much of an “earthling” and could not meet her psychological needs. I was too much of a self centered egomaniac, took everything for granted and not even once tried to change in the direction she asked me to and did not take advice, suggestion or any complaint from her. My problem is not that I can’t be profound as well, because I can, my problem is that I didn’t even tried to be. I know how to analyze my feelings, I also know how to talk about them and I like things that are psychologically stirring. Is just that I kept those moments for myself and did not share them with her, and when she was willing to share hers, her voice would hit a deaf wall. Walls are even better, because they vibrate and thus answer back, me , on the other hand, I was stiff as dead.

            Now, my biggest regret is that I failed to listen to her and to try to cope, and therefore she preferred loneliness. Moreover, she even gave me a heads-up about the suffering she was experiencing because of me, but I thought it was just a phase that all women have. When she pronounced herself for the last time I managed to have a quick glance at the inside of her world, but it was already too late. The core of my world...shattered, I was the one who knocked down the pole of my reality. And in the suffering and loneliness that followed, I felt what was like to live in her world. For a couple of months I was no longer human. While with the others I was forced to wear very thick mask so that no one would see the monster I turned into underneath, when I was alone I would take my mind to the place where she laughed with her beautiful smile, held me tight in her arms and showed me all the love a mentalist like her could show. Doing this, I often fell asleep on a wet pillow and my dream carried on, until her face started to become disfigured with pain and I started to grow fangs and big claws, and tear her apart. At first, after our braking up, I blamed her and even tried to hurt her some more, but I realized that all those accuses were only a lame attempt to gain redemption and convince myself that my inner monster is just a little puppy.

            Now she is seeing another guy, probably a Philosophy student, and I assume he is making her happy, but not as happy as I could have made her is I only gave it a little try. So failing at holding to the only human being that was perfect to me, and more, failing to do so because of my own indifference and egocentrism is the biggest failure of my life. I lost her because I preferred watching sports instead, because I was too caught with myself, because I assumed that everything is lawfully mine instead of seeing what really means in life, spending time with the loved ones.

...I failed at life itself...And now it's over...

If today was my last day

There is this ancient saying that goes like this:”Dream as if you live forever. Live as if you die tomorrow” and I am sure that every single one of us has been at least once confronted to this idea,of premature death.Not once we heard of people that were given diagnosis such as they have only a couple of months to live and we cannot stop on wondering what would it be like if I died tomorrow?

So , assuming that today was my last day alive, I would focus myself on two directions. Firstly, from a physical point of view, considering my limited resources that I am given now, I will most likely go visit my close relatives, my best friends and problably, waiting for my final moments I will retire to the closest place that i like best, a place where I can gather all of my mind, where I can enjoy the peace that we all long for during our speedfull lives. Or, I could chose, in order to spare the tears and the suffering of my loved one, to unknowingly say a quiet goodbye before leaving.

Secondly, the most important part in this last day would be meditating. Though I was supposed to run all day long in order to catch up and do my last activities as a human being before leavin the world,  in my last day of living, the really intense activity will be in my mind. Before an individual dies he usually focuses his ideas on two directions. One, it is our instinct as living beings to always have questions about our future. So the most natural idea in my time of dying would be :”What is after life? What will it happend to me after I pass to the other side'?”. Some would be frightened, thinking about the doctrines they were taught regarding sinning and hell... but not me. I belive that beyond death, there is nothing. Your body just stops functioning, your brain stops thinking and once that happens your mind ceases all activity. As for the ‚'soul'... well, the soul is just a projection of the mind so it dies together with the brain. There are no lava rivers, no devils with spiky spears, no screaming and suffering. There is nothing. But most likely, the idea most people compare to hell, I would name it to be the very last seconds of living, in which- and here comes the second direction your mind runs towards- I would think about all the things I have done, places I’ve seen, tears I have cried, laughes I caused, girls I kissed, hugs and handshakes, swearing and rage, love and friendship, hate and suffering, caring and devotion, moments I have cried myself to sleep and moment I have cried laughing, moments when I've seen my enemy smiling and moments when I’ve seen my mother smiling, moments of thriving and moments of regression, moments of fail and moments of success.

And then, I cannot but wonder, what am I leaving in this world, what will be proof of my existence in this world? But also, the moment of most intense sorrow is when you ask yourself regarding the things that you could have done in the future and even past, and then is when you realise that you could have done so much more but never had the will to. You start regreting the moments you hit a defenseless dog, or broke down your neighbour’s window, or made your mother cry, or shouted at your best friend, or made fun of a less fortunate kid,or chose to remain home alone instead of sharing moments with others. And you also think about what you could have done, about how proud you would have been seeing your child taking his first „A” in school, your first job promotion, your long desired trip abroad, your first grandchild’s words. Regrets torment your soul in the very last moments when all you long for is inner peace. That is what hell looks like, I believe- living your last moments with regrets and unfulfiled wishes.

... Or maybe, I can be one of the lucky and live my last moments with peace , convinced that no matter what I have done, I will be pleased with only I will have been achieved until then....

Love hurts...

Love hurts,especially when you give your heart to someone who barely knows you exist, to someone who insists on plowing through strange, stupid guys, who could never love her the way you do, leaving you outside alone and in a bottomless pit of oblivion, wishing with all your heart that she would come to her senses and realize that her true happiness lies with you and no one else, but knowing these all along will only smash you harder to the ground...And it will never happen, because she's a selfish, immature, heartless bitch...But good guys will always be there, because every woman has that one man she goes back to, heartbroken, scared, hopeless...It doesn't matter!!!But nobody knows why, not even her(That's probably why: "Good guys finish last")

Girls and women(because there is a big difference between them) always seem to have this tendency to find those guys who will hurt them, who will get them through thrills, who will eventually leave them heartbroken and in a pond of sorrow and they will still go on after those kind of men.

Now everyone will try and tell me that I am picking up on women...Well, I didn't mean that, really.I just wanted to point out some things that happen, and that they are wrong and should be fixed.

It's just that nobody should feel alone.I mean, it is all right with having friends and hang out and doing all those funny things you do with them, whether you're going bowling or just have a night out with the closed ones or maybe you're going out in a club and just let all your frustrations at the front door...The next day, those feelings will be back and you will end up feeling sorry for you again...And let's face it: How many friends are there for you when you really need someone to stand by your side?It's only my perception of it but, actually, there is nobody.And you want to know why?Because friends are overrated.They will only be close to you when your are at your best and you got the world lying at your feet, and they're right to be.I just want to say that you shouldn't bother your friends with your problems because they have their own and you don't even see that because you are too busy trying to figure a way out of your own.

But, I've drifted away...Bottom line is that tough times aren't for friends, for they are for that special one who is by your side, no matter of...anything!!!I've been looking for that person and I, myself have broken that rule and did my best to get a few women out of their misery, because they were hurt by some random jerk who would pretend to have feelings for them and them dump them at the first chance they got.And i felt sorry for them, I really did, because I know how it is to feel broken, beat, scared and to have have absolutely no one to get you out of your endless day-to-day routine of just feeling like hell and regretting every thought and feeling you put in for that ungrateful one who left you down in the dumps.I just want to point out that when the real hard times come there will be absolutely nobody for you to truly help you with your problem, but "the one", that "one" we're all looking for.Some of us have found it, some think they have but they're actually heading to a bitter disappointment and the rest haven't...

Somehow, it's frustrating, because if you are one of the people who are still looking for "the other half"(quotation i despise!), you find out it's not even close to a walk in the park and that the road to finding that person is more than full of shallow people who have no clue who you are or what you feel, making them unable to acknowledge they are desecrating a thing that could be beautiful, thrilling and give them the time of their life...for the rest of their life.Nevertheless, when you think you've found that person it is more than critical that the other person feels the same, otherwise there are two options:1.you get that person immediately out of your life!(this is the easy one, although it never is, letting someone go being as hard as nails) and 2.staying friends with that certain someone(which, let's admit it, no matter how good looks at first, at some point you will find yourself in that position where you discover the person that you like so much falls in love for someone else and you...can't do anything about it, because she'll never think of you as you think of her, moreover, she'll consider you her friend which, in my view, is a terrible thing)

Drawing the line to this "whatever-it-is", I just want to say that I am sick tired of all these and that, somehow, i have to end it...Don't know how, but eventually, that "romantic" part of me will die, because it has to...