If today was my last day

There is this ancient saying that goes like this:”Dream as if you live forever. Live as if you die tomorrow” and I am sure that every single one of us has been at least once confronted to this idea,of premature death.Not once we heard of people that were given diagnosis such as they have only a couple of months to live and we cannot stop on wondering what would it be like if I died tomorrow?

So , assuming that today was my last day alive, I would focus myself on two directions. Firstly, from a physical point of view, considering my limited resources that I am given now, I will most likely go visit my close relatives, my best friends and problably, waiting for my final moments I will retire to the closest place that i like best, a place where I can gather all of my mind, where I can enjoy the peace that we all long for during our speedfull lives. Or, I could chose, in order to spare the tears and the suffering of my loved one, to unknowingly say a quiet goodbye before leaving.

Secondly, the most important part in this last day would be meditating. Though I was supposed to run all day long in order to catch up and do my last activities as a human being before leavin the world,  in my last day of living, the really intense activity will be in my mind. Before an individual dies he usually focuses his ideas on two directions. One, it is our instinct as living beings to always have questions about our future. So the most natural idea in my time of dying would be :”What is after life? What will it happend to me after I pass to the other side'?”. Some would be frightened, thinking about the doctrines they were taught regarding sinning and hell... but not me. I belive that beyond death, there is nothing. Your body just stops functioning, your brain stops thinking and once that happens your mind ceases all activity. As for the ‚'soul'... well, the soul is just a projection of the mind so it dies together with the brain. There are no lava rivers, no devils with spiky spears, no screaming and suffering. There is nothing. But most likely, the idea most people compare to hell, I would name it to be the very last seconds of living, in which- and here comes the second direction your mind runs towards- I would think about all the things I have done, places I’ve seen, tears I have cried, laughes I caused, girls I kissed, hugs and handshakes, swearing and rage, love and friendship, hate and suffering, caring and devotion, moments I have cried myself to sleep and moment I have cried laughing, moments when I've seen my enemy smiling and moments when I’ve seen my mother smiling, moments of thriving and moments of regression, moments of fail and moments of success.

And then, I cannot but wonder, what am I leaving in this world, what will be proof of my existence in this world? But also, the moment of most intense sorrow is when you ask yourself regarding the things that you could have done in the future and even past, and then is when you realise that you could have done so much more but never had the will to. You start regreting the moments you hit a defenseless dog, or broke down your neighbour’s window, or made your mother cry, or shouted at your best friend, or made fun of a less fortunate kid,or chose to remain home alone instead of sharing moments with others. And you also think about what you could have done, about how proud you would have been seeing your child taking his first „A” in school, your first job promotion, your long desired trip abroad, your first grandchild’s words. Regrets torment your soul in the very last moments when all you long for is inner peace. That is what hell looks like, I believe- living your last moments with regrets and unfulfiled wishes.

... Or maybe, I can be one of the lucky and live my last moments with peace , convinced that no matter what I have done, I will be pleased with only I will have been achieved until then....

Love hurts...

Love hurts,especially when you give your heart to someone who barely knows you exist, to someone who insists on plowing through strange, stupid guys, who could never love her the way you do, leaving you outside alone and in a bottomless pit of oblivion, wishing with all your heart that she would come to her senses and realize that her true happiness lies with you and no one else, but knowing these all along will only smash you harder to the ground...And it will never happen, because she's a selfish, immature, heartless bitch...But good guys will always be there, because every woman has that one man she goes back to, heartbroken, scared, hopeless...It doesn't matter!!!But nobody knows why, not even her(That's probably why: "Good guys finish last")

Girls and women(because there is a big difference between them) always seem to have this tendency to find those guys who will hurt them, who will get them through thrills, who will eventually leave them heartbroken and in a pond of sorrow and they will still go on after those kind of men.

Now everyone will try and tell me that I am picking up on women...Well, I didn't mean that, really.I just wanted to point out some things that happen, and that they are wrong and should be fixed.

It's just that nobody should feel alone.I mean, it is all right with having friends and hang out and doing all those funny things you do with them, whether you're going bowling or just have a night out with the closed ones or maybe you're going out in a club and just let all your frustrations at the front door...The next day, those feelings will be back and you will end up feeling sorry for you again...And let's face it: How many friends are there for you when you really need someone to stand by your side?It's only my perception of it but, actually, there is nobody.And you want to know why?Because friends are overrated.They will only be close to you when your are at your best and you got the world lying at your feet, and they're right to be.I just want to say that you shouldn't bother your friends with your problems because they have their own and you don't even see that because you are too busy trying to figure a way out of your own.

But, I've drifted away...Bottom line is that tough times aren't for friends, for they are for that special one who is by your side, no matter of...anything!!!I've been looking for that person and I, myself have broken that rule and did my best to get a few women out of their misery, because they were hurt by some random jerk who would pretend to have feelings for them and them dump them at the first chance they got.And i felt sorry for them, I really did, because I know how it is to feel broken, beat, scared and to have have absolutely no one to get you out of your endless day-to-day routine of just feeling like hell and regretting every thought and feeling you put in for that ungrateful one who left you down in the dumps.I just want to point out that when the real hard times come there will be absolutely nobody for you to truly help you with your problem, but "the one", that "one" we're all looking for.Some of us have found it, some think they have but they're actually heading to a bitter disappointment and the rest haven't...

Somehow, it's frustrating, because if you are one of the people who are still looking for "the other half"(quotation i despise!), you find out it's not even close to a walk in the park and that the road to finding that person is more than full of shallow people who have no clue who you are or what you feel, making them unable to acknowledge they are desecrating a thing that could be beautiful, thrilling and give them the time of their life...for the rest of their life.Nevertheless, when you think you've found that person it is more than critical that the other person feels the same, otherwise there are two options:1.you get that person immediately out of your life!(this is the easy one, although it never is, letting someone go being as hard as nails) and 2.staying friends with that certain someone(which, let's admit it, no matter how good looks at first, at some point you will find yourself in that position where you discover the person that you like so much falls in love for someone else and you...can't do anything about it, because she'll never think of you as you think of her, moreover, she'll consider you her friend which, in my view, is a terrible thing)

Drawing the line to this "whatever-it-is", I just want to say that I am sick tired of all these and that, somehow, i have to end it...Don't know how, but eventually, that "romantic" part of me will die, because it has to...